I remember getting an invitation from Children’s Medical Center and the Palliative Care Team to their Remembrance Ceremony a few months after we lost our daughter, Ava Elaine Dickerson. We did not attend that first year. I’m sure I didn’t even talk to my husband or mom about it. Even though I truly appreciated the gesture and opportunity to share with other families, I was not ready. I was not as comfortable about crying in front people, especially strangers, as I am today. However, I did not realize five years ago that this room would not be filled with strangers. I may not know everyone’s name here, but I know now that names are not necessary.   We share in something so much more profound than names or where we live or where we work or how we were raised. We have lost a life that we cannot explain. For some of us that life is our child. For the rest, it’s your grandchild, your niece or nephew, your cousin or a friend’s family member. To those of you that are sitting here today in support of the people that lost their child, I want to thank you. I encourage you to continue to surround them with love and lift them up in prayer. Your support is crucial in facing their journey of living life without their child. Faith, family and friends: this is how we survive the saddest days of our lives.

We will celebrate Ava’s 5^th birthday this month by releasing 5 pink balloons, lighting candles, singing happy birthday and eating cupcakes. We will talk about how she changed our lives forever. We will tell stories to our two living sons about their younger and older sister. We will soak in each other’s presence, love and laughter. Time will stop for a moment and my heart will feel like doing the same. I will remember holding Ava as she took her last breath in my arms. Although she never spoke a word, she remains my greatest teacher of faith, hope and love. We will receive cards, emails and texts from family and friends that remember her birthday. I will save them in a memory box and read them again and again on the days that hurt the most.  Like the days when I should be planning her next birthday party or having a fun conversation about what she wants to be for Halloween or seeing her Sunday School class that’s missing one child.

I would like to say that you being here today is a healing step in your grief process. Allow yourselves the space to remember and share your child’s life often. Listen to your spouse and the people that share in your loss; they will grieve differently and it is important to support each other.

Our daughter lived 47 days. The number forty-seven has become quite a significant sign from heaven and these signs continue to strengthen our faith and keep us anchored in hope.

In closing, I would like to share a story with you about our angel, Ava. Our sweet friends and neighbors, named their new racing horse Ava47, in memory of our daughter. Ava47 is a beautiful horse that captured my heart the moment I met her. Her pace is graceful and she takes long, powerful strides. Ava47’s first race was this past summer. She was the number 12 horse in the group racing.  As my mom and I were walking down to the grandstands, a young couple behind us mentioned that they had made a wager on Ava47. So, my mom let them know the horse was named in memory of her granddaughter and the woman answered back by saying that her best friend just had a baby and named her Ava. How sweet!

As the gates opened we all cheered for Ava47! Watching her race was mesmerizing. Ava47 did not place but hearing the announcer say, “here comes Ava Forty-Seven” over the intercom made me smile. As we walked back to our table, our friends and Ava47’s owners, ‘E and Lauren’ said with excitement, “did you see what horses placed 1^st and 2^nd?” They pointed to the screen on our table: The number 4 horse then the number 7 horse crossed the finish line 1^st and 2^nd.

Thank you, Children’s Medical Center, for hosting this time to allow us to share in the memories of our children. May the peace of Christ be with each of you, always.

Ava47

Go Ava47!

1st place – 4 horse
2nd place- 7 horse

If you have read my book, Ava’s Story, you know Dr. Li Ern Chen.  She is an amazing person, surgeon and friend.  Li Ern is a photographer by hobby, capturing nature in the most beautiful ways.  For the last year she planned and hosted a fundraiser in which she sold her photos on canvas at The Kodner Gallery in St Louis.  Li Ern attended medical school and did her fellowship at Washington University St. Louis and one of her mentors, Dr. Kodner, owns the museum and also raises orchids in his greenhouse.  Many of her pictures were of his orchids and the fundraiser, ‘Through the Eye of a Surgeon’ benefited HateBrakers.  HateBrakers is a St. Louis-based non profit organization geared towards ending the hate-breeds-hate cycle through education, awareness and story sharing.  Todd and I decided to surprise Li Ern and attend her charity event.

Li Ern was at the front desk greeting her guests.  She was definitely surprised to see us!  We walked downstairs where her art was featured and admired her work as we mingled with Li Ern’s colleagues, friends and family.  Another one of Ava’s surgeons, Dr. Anne Fisher, walked up and gave us a big hug.  She has since moved from Children’s Medical Center in Dallas to Beaumont Children’s Hospital in Michigan where she is the Surgeon-in-Chief.  We told her all about Jackson and that we had faced CDH again.  As we were all catching up I began to see people hang tags with their names indicating that picture was purchased.  I was happy to see all the people supporting Li Ern and HateBrakers.

Todd and I were browsing Li Ern’s gallery and I thought I would pick one out as inspiration for redecorating my office.  One had initially caught my eye; Li Ern had captured a beautiful white orchid with deep purple, inner petals.  The flower was cropped up close and you could feel the soft texture of the flower with your eyes.  Todd pointed out a few other pictures that were just as stunning; it was so hard to decide.  However, I was still drawn to the white and purple orchid.  Todd said, “it’s your office, get the one you want!”  I didn’t realize each pictured was numbered with a small, indiscrete white sticker next to each canvas.  He asked me what number mine was so I walked towards it to look closely and as I viewed the number, the breathe escaped my lungs and my eyes filled with tears.  I looked at Todd as a tear ran down my face and he automatically knew it was number 47.  I gazed back at the picture and said a little prayer of thanks to God for revealing his miracles so graciously to me.  A few minutes later Todd handed me a tag that said, #47 Dickerson.  I proudly draped it over the picture.  I couldn’t wait to tell Li Ern!  By the time we left, most of her pictures had sold.  It was an amazing afternoon.

That evening we waited for our cab to take us to dinner.  A couple was waiting with us and the dad proudly told us he was on his way to his only daughter’s wedding.  We told him where our recommended dinner reservations were taking us and he said, “you have to go to Dominic’s on the hill. It’s the most romantic and best Italian in St. Louis.”  So, we changed course and headed to Dominic’s.  The Maitre D sat Todd and I at a cozy, candle-lit table in the corner.  “Your waitress for the evening will be right with you.  Her name is Ava.”

We landed the next evening just as the sun was setting.  There were storm clouds in the distance and guess what I saw as I looked out of the plane window?  A beautiful rainbow desending from heaven.  I was overwhelmed with peace and happiness.  It was the perfect ending to an extraordinary trip.

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It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything to publish. I’ve spent more time journal writing which can be very helpful while sifting through the layers of grief that losing loved ones can create. Most of my posts develop in my head over a few days.  Some thing or some event lingers within my thoughts and grows in my heart and inspires me to write.  So, please let me share with you a few things that happened last week.

I decided to pick Jackson up from school before doing my volunteer work at church for the week. Each week I put out the children’s bulletins for church service, update and organize the children’s worship bags.  Jackson had a fun-filled day at school with an egg hunt and special snacks that afternoon.  I pushed him along in the cart and we started in the sanctuary balcony which is lined with beautiful stained glass, arched windows.  The windows are adorned with pictures of God, Jesus, His Disciples and Angels.  I don’t think Jackson had been in the sanctuary since he was an infant.  Almost immediately he noticed and commented on the windows, “Look at the pretty windows, Mommy!”.  I asked him who he saw in the windows.  He replied, “I see God, Mommy”.  As we were walking to the other side of the balcony, he commented, “I see Jesus, Mommy”.  A few seconds later while looking away from the windows and up and out over the balcony he said a few more times, “I see Jesus, Mommy!”.  It was like he was trying to convince me he actually saw Jesus, not just in the stained glass window.  I didn’t realize it right away but when he started to softly sing, Jesus Loves Me, it hit me.  Chills ran up and down my body and an immense sense of peace filled my heart.  Jesus Loves Me is not one of ‘our songs’ but he had it down to every word and chord.  I’m sure his wonderful teachers at school sing to him.  To hear Jackson sing the words of that sweet hymn brought me back to the very basics.  Yes, Jesus does love you, and me and everyone.  He Loves All.

Fast forward to bedtime that same evening.  Jackson and I are in the playroom filled with toys.  I asked him to pick one toy to bring to bed and then told him it was time to go ‘nite nite’.  Normally, he would start negotiating with “two more minutes” or “one more story”.   Not this night.  He stood up, walked out of the playroom and went directly to a side table in the hallway that has pictures and family mementos on it.  He pointed to a toy that belonged to my cousin, Billy.  “I want that toy, Mommy.” So I helped him get the toy off the table and tucked him snugly into bed.  As I walked out of his room he played with Billy’s toy that makes chiming sounds as you turn the circles.  Billy and I were best buds growing up and his Mom, Aunt Lori, gave me this toy during a special time in my life (note for another post).  Billy died in a tragic car accident when he was 30 years old and left behind a little girl.  Aunt Lori and I share that unfortunate bond of mothers that know how it feels to lose a child. She’s an amazing women:  strong, faithful, kind, thoughtful.  Aunt Lori and Billy possess these same wonderful attributes.  It was a heartwarming moment.

I retired to Todd’s office to do some work while he and Jason were still out at a basketball game.  I have Jackson’s baby monitor on my phone in an app.  I turned the monitor on and began to work. I immediately noticed a glowing circle of light by his crib and figured it was a reflection or glare on the screen.  Several minutes later I noticed it had slightly moved.  I sent a text to my mom and asked her to log onto Jackson’s monitor (Gaga and Papa have the same app) and take a look to see if she saw the same thing.  A few minutes later she sent a message back saying she could see the glowing light. I called her to tell her about the events that had happened earlier that day in the sanctuary and also with Billy’s toy.  We decided I should go into his room and check things out and that she would watch from her phone.  I entered his room and found nothing.  I saw no reflection, glare or light.  I walked around, moved the monitor and brushed off the screen.  When I called my mom back she said I walked directly through the light.  I logged back on and the glowing light was still there but had continued to move down and now had created a tail.  I took several screen shots from the app.  I tried to continue to work and my mom said she would continue to watch the light.

About an hour later she sent me a text, “The light is gone.”

My reply, “The light is always present.  We were just blessed to be able to see it tonight.”

I wonder if Jackson really did see Jesus in the sanctuary?   Was that Billy or Jackson’s sibling angels in his room watching over him?  I think so.  I believe.  I believe that children’s minds are so innocent, free from negativity, sadness and the ugly that encompasses our world.  Children can see the light because all they know is good.  And God is so good.

On special Ava days, like today, I wake up wondering — almost anxious — if I will see signs from her. I am amazed at how strong our bond is even though I can count on one hand how many times I got to hold her in my arms.

Tonight, I am thankful for 3 special cards I received today. Tonight, we remember Ava, leaving us for her eternal life 3 years ago.

My Aunt Lori sent a sweet birthday card that arrived early — even with the icy weather we’ve had it got here overnight. I received an acknowledgement card today from a special friend’s parents. I’ve only met them once but they placed a poinsettia in their church sanctuary in loving memory of JT, Jr. My third card is from Todd. JT, Sr. He’s not a card giver but when I woke up from my nap there was a card addressed to ‘My Love’. It brought me to tears.

3 unexpected cards on her 3 year angelversary.

I love you, too, Sweet Ava. Fly high, my angel.

I am sharing from my Facebook page, ’47 Days of Inspiration’, for my family and friends not on fb.  I posted this last week and will continue to post inspiring stories throughout the 47 days from October 22 – December 7.

I believe there are angels among us. I believe Ava watches over us and protects us. I believe she sends signs that she’s dancing in heaven. I believe she sends signs when she’s present among us. I believe Ava has taught her little angel brother , JT Jr., to do the same. Right after JT went to heaven I prayed while I held him in my arms. With tears streaming down my face, I prayed that he was with his big sister, Ava, and that she would teach him to send signs to us. I knew in my heart he was in the kingdom of God. But when these signs happen, it’s heartwarming and sometimes breathtaking. It strengthens my faith and allows for peace and hope to take over my grief and heartbreak. The day of JT Jr.’s funeral I received an email from Shawna, our photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It’s an organization of volunteer photographers that will come to the hospital after an infant loss to take precious pictures. She sent me the link to our photos. I clicked and opened the first photo. I noticed I was viewing ‘1 of 47’. Shawna took 47 pictures that day in the hospital. Tonight I am sharing with you picture 47 of 47. I believe there are angels among us. Ava and JT Jr. are a few of them.